Wow Okay, so here we go. After procrastinating, psyching myself out and hesitation for over a year, I am finally going to do this. I am going to start my blog. I have been apprehensive about this for a while and now here we are. At Starbucks, with my laptop and I’m ready to go!
Okay so, where do I start? What do I talk about? What can’t I talk about? Am I talking too much? Will people even read my shit?
Wait, should I order something… just feels weird that I’m sitting here without paying for anything. Wait am I talking to myself right now?… AWKWARD!
Actually, that’s okay because its normal. It is right? Well for me it is. You see my life is surrounded by talking about thinking and thinking about talking. I literally talk to myself about everything and anything.
I prep me before social interactions and even phone conversations (which are incredibly torturous). The awkward silences, the need to come up with new topics, worrying that I’m not saying anything interesting or detrimental, and in the end, me slipping up and saying way more than I needed to. Let’s not even talk about the urge of getting off the phone but never actually saying that I have reached my limit and I need to recharge now, BYE. Ugh, but nope I stay to continue to let things get even more awkward. OOPS.
Yup, I’m THAT GIRL.
I’m that introverted girl that says “you too” when the waiter says enjoy your food. The girl who says sexual inappropriate jokes in public settings. The girl who laughs at a joke when it wasn’t actually a joke in a serious conversation. The girl who cringes through small talk and the girl who trips on air. You see conventional and normal is foreign to me, only weirdos and whimsical creatures live here. Haha (no they seriously do). My world is a bit different because my existence is brimming with anxiety and social anxiety. What’s worse, my anxiety has manifested into an entity of anxious proportions. And she has a name…
It’s Alexa. Lex for short, but between u and I, her pseudonym is Bitch. But regardless, Lex is a part of me and in a way Lex is me. But I am still Ronide.
Lost? Yea I figured…..
You see Lex lives in my brain. She is a guest who has overstayed her welcome for over 25 years and HASN’T PAID THE FUCKING RENT…with accumulated baggage attached. She is intrusive and loves to run the show. She doesn’t give a fuck about how I feel or what I’m doing at the moment because if she’s not the center of attention there is clearly a problem. She brings out the worst in me sometimes. Days that I tell her “go away”, she still sticks around. I seriously wonder if she’s secretly into me. I mean, that would be the only reason why she would be up my ass so much right? (Well too bad, she’s not my type) She has the ability to isolate me from everyone and anything I know and turns them against me. She reminds me of every flaw and magnifies everything that’s ever said or done to me. It’s like living in a world of reruns… the only thing is that it’s an excruciating recap of my life. She makes me anxious and super self-cautious. So yea I’m basically roommates with Regina George.
Some of you may wonder how she even got here. But that’s for another post…
UGH, the cashier is staring at me …. Maybe I should buy something. But then looking around, I see some customers with a drink and some don’t. Ugh, this is annoying, I’ll just buy something! Hmmm, what’s the cheapest thing on this menu? Who am I kidding, I know imma get a caramel frap
Lex: Of course you would because you are basic and boring!
Me: I’m lame because of a drink? Because of a coffee drink? It’s fucking coffee! This is absurd!
Lex: Yes a coffee drink, just like everything else in your life! Your makeup, your hair, your clothes….. Just basic. Face it ronide, you have the personality of a rock. Not THE ROCK, A rock.
Me: Yea, maybe your right ……..
Cashier: Hey, how are you? What would you like to order
Me: Hi ummm … I would like to order a caramel frappe. Small, please.
Lex: Exactly. You picked the most uninteresting item on the menu.
Me: Yup, I don’t want to try something new today and that’s okay 🙂
Okay, I’m officially back, now back to what I was saying.
Although Lex occupies my space, I don’t let Alexa define me. I am the one who is in control… well for the most part I am (I was just about to write “LOL” at the end of that sentence but I don’t think that would have been appropriate)
Lex: Of course you would have thought to do that, you are so fucking weird
Me: This is my first blog, give me a break!
Lex: Good job sticking up for yourself! This is the first and probably will be the last time that happens!
Me: OMG Stop! Seriously!
… UGH I FUCKING HATE ALEXA
She criticizes everything and anything. There were days I was confined to my bed and shielding myself from humanity. Finally, I decided that I wasn’t going to hide under a rock anymore. I decided that I was no longer going to feel crippled because the reality is that the world is going to change with or without me.
I always thought when I started my blog it would be when I was fully established in life. But the more I thought about that, what the hell does that even mean? Life is all about evolving, revamping and making beautiful mistakes. Plus, I can’t just let My 20s turn into 30s to 40s. If I wait then things would never happen. Someone very special to me always once told me that its one day or day one. Today is my day one.
It’s time to say “NO” ,to limiting my expectations. And “YES”, to living in the present. Today is the day that I am going to create a platform to freely express myself without having to answer to anyone. If you are looking for a blog where you automatically find the answers to life and issues then this is not the blog for you. I am not a mentor and do not claim to be. I am simply just a black woman on a journey and I am going to be as transparent as I can be. If along the way I happen to inspire people then that’s fine with me as well.
So grab a snack , pop open that wine and get comfortable people because we are in for a joyous, heartfelt, and awkward ass adventure together to Finding Ronide
You know what? I was right to get this Caramel Frappe, its fucking delicious! Also, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!