OK, I am on to my second blog and I have to admit that I am pretty anxious. There is so much pressure (I am literally shaking right now as we speak) because for apparently no reason whatsoever, I have the whole weight of the world on my shoulders. To be honest, anything I start I simply don’t finish mainly out of fear.
Lex: That’s because you suck, you suck at everything
Fear that if I try my hardest and I don’t succeed
in something as simple as this, I feel like the ultimate failure.
Lex: That’s because you are a failure
And when I start feeling like a failure, I just ignore my ideas and efforts altogether.
Lex: Good, as you should , they are going to suck anyways.
Ugh, you know what? Can I be real for a minute? Like really talk my shit? I was going to talk about a topic but I am really irritated right now. Like damn I can’t even talk without being interrupted by Alexa.
Yes naming my anxiety Alexa is entertaining but I want you guys to understand the severity of living with anxiety.
Lex: You need permission to speak? You are so fucking pathetic and have no backbone!
Me: Ugh boy! Alexa, SHUT UP! Whoooosah! Not today yo! Not today!
You know what? Let’s remove the name Alexa from the word anxiety for a minute so you guys can fully understand.
Before I continue, let me be clear in saying that although anxiety and social anxiety are similar, they don’t always go together …… You can actually have anxiety without having social anxiety. Although I have both, most people don’t.
Living with anxiety is feeling anxious and fearful all the time. I am consumed with worrying thoughts that never stop, like ever. I worry about the past, the present and the future. I constantly live on the edge and sometimes my brain teeters towards exploding. It’s like I am one step away from shit getting real. I get shaky and I can never just chill the fuck out! To simply explain; it’s like constantly coming home to a group of people screaming SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Whooooo! And you’re like, “wtf my birthday ain’t for another 5 months! you good bro?” But yet, every time you turn around, they surprise you again!
Social anxiety is having Anxiety in social situations… basically being even more anxious when you are around human beings. It is like after having that same constant feeling of being surprised at that same birthday party, but now you have to talk to these people! Not only does my anxiety act up behind closed doors, but it is also even more active when I am around other human beings. And boy does she show her ugly face! It’s like I am already trying to calm down and my anxiety pops up, “like YO! YEA YOU! You thought I was done? Well, surprise surprise motherfucker! I just got started! Time to go off in this bitch! gunshots and all that! bullet! bullet! bullet! ….. BITCH!”
Instead of the normal ten , my body is now on 11. I automatically think that everyone in the room is staring at me, talking about me and judging me. My stomach gets knots, my palms get sweaty and I just start stuttering every time I talk. Paying attention during conversations is hard because I feel like all the attention is on me. Of course, this is all in my head but it’s just hard to think logically because the other part of my brain (My anxiety) is encouraging this illusion. It just gets really annoying and I just want to scream but I can’t because then I look crazy.
Sometimes I’d rather just stay home and deal with my anxiety than to expose it even more around people. When I feel forced to talk to everyone in a group, I hate it. Not because I’m rude, but because it feels like a job. Not only that, I just don’t know what to say! You see, the “Hi how are you doing” small talk is just so annoyingly structured! It’s like a script that everyone follows but for some reason, I haven’t caught on. Seriously like what in the world am I supposed to say when someone says, “Hi how are you doing” and I say “I’m doing fine”? Do I go straight to personal talk or do I talk about the weather? Just all these questions are in my head and when I finally do speak, it’s something that just makes no sense and now it’s awkward. It’s just extremely horrifying and by the time I have gained the strength to talk to the next person, I am mentally drained.
That’s when I want to go home, hide under a rock for the next two years and rewatch episodes of The Office.
Honestly, I just wish people could just be vulnerable and real. But the reality of the situation is that most human beings aren’t. Do you know how amazing that would be though? For people to be open and free and say exactly what’s on their minds. Whelp, I guess we will find out on the next episode of “What The Fuck Is Wrong With Me”
Most days I just curl up in a ball of my own protection. But protection from the world can sometimes be a bad thing. You see, when I get stuck inside my head, things start to stir up. That’s when my depression rolls in and trust me when I tell you, anxiety and depression mixed together is never a good mix. Its like mixing light and dark liquor and we all know that’s a terrible combination. I get consumed in my negative thoughts and I actually start to believe them. I actually start to question what’s the point in being here. That’s when Alexa arrives in all her bitchy glory.Alexa: Ronide , Just look around ! You have no one! No one! That means no one will care about you and no one will remember you! You are just an added baggage to their life and once you are gone things will be so much better! Just end it! End it right now! We all know that’s where you are heading anyways!
You see how things just escalated quickly there? Yup, it gets real folks. But I have to keep fighting because if I don’t … well, yea. It brings me back in the hole I came from. A hole of darkness. A hole of despair. A hole of the loneliness and I would inevitably succumb to the gloomy void. But yet, I still fight.
When I ALLOW Alexa to get like this, I have to say out loud:
I exist because I said so
I exist because I said so
I exist because I FUCKING SAID SO!
I can’t give a shit about what Alexa thinks and says! I am worthy of love, I am worthy of happiness and I AM WORTHY OF LIFE! I cannot and will not let her take over me!
Okay, my tirade is over. I was thinking about the topic that I wanted to write about but I honestly forgot.
Thank that bitch, Alexa. Also its raining today! Ugh, I hate the rain….
If you or anyone you know is having suicidal thoughts please call the NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE at 1-800-273-8255. If you aren’t comfortable speaking on the phone (Like me), Text START to 741-741.
Until next time my loves!