Walls. I live in them, I hate them but the harsh reality is that I created them. Those walls weren’t always there though. I used to be a bubbly, friendly and the outgoing friend who was always laughing and full of life. I was your go-to friend.
Want to party? I am your girl!
Get wasted on a Monday night? I am your girl!
Or you just need someone to call or to vent to for advice? I am your girl!
I was always ready for any and everything! But, life started to hit and situations started to transpire. I was slowly starting to feel drained but I still showed up.
Then suddenly, my eagerness to enjoy life stopped. I became a recluse. Friends would contact me to hang out, only to receive a decline in invitation.
I would try to assemble the enthusiasm to join my friends, but when that arrived, I was right back in my bed.
I slowly stopped attending events with most of my time being spent in bed. I stopped going out, stopped calling back, stopped texting back… I just stopped everything all together. Days turned into months, and then years until I had become completely distant from every friend that I could have possibly had. I soon became very lonely.
I was just existing. I was confined to my bed with Alexa. Time flowed to a point where I didn’t even know what day it was. When I checked my phone to go on social media it just made it worse. I found myself comparing. I’ve watched my old friend’s graduate, get married, have kids and of course travel the world.
My timeline is filled with gorgeous friends of the past, serving body goals on the beaches of Jamaica.
Not to say that extravagant vacations aren’t unreachable but damn, every other friend was enjoying their life. It made me wonder, what in the world they were doing for a living?! Did they obtain their dream job? Were they dancing on the pole? Did they acquire a Sugar daddy?
Hey, I Wasn’t judging! Make that money girl! Aye!!!
I was genuinely happy for them and their success, but I wondered what was wrong with me. Everyone was accomplishing great things and achieving their life goals. For me, my greatest achievement was forcing myself to go outside and seeing sunlight. I thought that God had forgotten about me.
Alexa had no problem making me scared and self-conscious about the unforeseeable future. She made me frightened to reveal the monster that I have become. Some days I resented her for pushing me away from people, and other days I thought maybe she was saving me from embarrassment. I mean she was saving me the trouble of small talk so I thought maybe it was a good thing.
I’m pretty sure if I mustered up the courage to pick up the phone I would have heard, “Hey girl, what you been up to?”. I don’t know what to say that. Or that awkward question, “Did you graduate school yet?” or “What do you do for a living now?”.
What I wanted to say was, “OMG I missed you! I missed you soooo much! I actually haven’t been doing anything! Nothing at all! I haven’t been doing shit! I’ve been in bed and home for as long as I could remember! I don’t eat much, I barely shower most days and exposure to sunlight has me feeling like Dracula. I have been miserable and mentally sick for a long time. I am NOT okay so please for the love of God, just be here for me because I could really use a friend right now!”
But before I could be real and say how I am really feeling, Alexa stops me:
Alexa: Yea Ronide, go ahead and reveal yourself! Reveal that while everyone has been successfully living their life, you have been a failure. Let everyone know that you didn’t graduate school, you don’t have a good job and how much of a disappointment you are to your parents. Go ahead! Just continue to make a fool out of yourself! Let’s face it, that’s the only thing you are good at anyways.
Me: Your right, I am a failure… I’ll just keep my thoughts to myself.
What comes out of my mouth instead is “Hey! I’ve been good, you?”
I have felt so low of myself for years until I realized that nothing was what it really seemed. You see, people selectively expose what they want to you and what they expose will always be positive aspects of their life. Whether it’s on social media or real life, it has become a constant need to be validated by peers and strangers. Worth has been replaced by likes and the phrase “Living your best life” has become nothing but a facade.
Granted, the term “living your best life” isn’t inherently misleading. I personally think it’s a great phrase, but it’s also a double-edged sword used entirely too much. Regardless of all the pain and strife you experience, you are still required to live your best life and be the best you can be. But what you see on social media of people living their best life isn’t always true. I learned not to compare my unedited footage to somebody’s highlight reel.
The reality is that no one is always living their best life. Everyone is fighting their own battle. It is the norm to equate suffering with failure. And between you and me… that’s just straight bullshit!
Through my own self-reflection and journey, I have learned that it was okay to be down on my luck and to slowly process through my pain because it only made me stronger and wiser. When I came to terms with this, I realized that God did not forget about me, in fact, I am right where I needed to be.
From now on, if I am not okay I am going to say it to the top of fucking my lungs! I am going to scream to the high heavens! I am going to cry it out because I have learned that NOT being okay brought me closer accepting my flaws. The importance of my growth is me coming to terms with who I am and ultimately accepting myself. So to all the friends I’ve lost, don’t take it personally. I have and still, am battling a war that only I can conquer. It is my own personal journey. I am still catching up in this world but, on my own pace.
My home that once was a dark cave, is now starting to become my bright sanctuary filled with everything that makes me Ronide and the woman that I will become.