Available. That’s my middle name. If my phone is ringing, I always pick up on the first ring. Someone texts me, I always stop right away to text them back. Need support? I am coming right away! I’ll arrive with a big smile on my face and my signature bubbly personality. But, the truth is I despised being constantly available for people. I fucking hated it.
I will try to be there for people if they need to talk, please understand that. But something like phone conversations is always forced, and when I am finally off the phone I am drained. I have no energy for the rest of the day. When that unfortunately occurs, Lex takes advantage of my vulnerability and comes out to play. She reminds me of every awkward silence that was shared on the phone, my embarrassing Freudian slip-ups, and the constant trigger warnings my body experience during an uncomfortable conversation.
She reminds me of my flaws every waking moment of my life; days, months, years (I mean at this point, who’s counting, am I right??)
Seriously yall, sometimes I will have just got off the phone with a friend, relaxing while watching the superior version of The Office (U.S. version of course) and stuffing my face with pickles.
And then BAM! Evil rears its ugly head.
Me: Whose that?
Lex: Seriously? You really had to ask?
Me: *sigh* oh boy.
Lex: I know you’re having a good time and enjoying yourself
Me: Girl, Yes! I am! I am actually having a blast right now
Lex: Cool! So I guess you forgot when you were on the phone with your friend and throughout the entire conversation, you were mispronouncing a word, only for your friend to correct you.
Me: Umm yeah I remember
Lex: And after the conversation, you felt like an idiot for messing up something so simple!
Me: Um , yea I guess ……
Lex: Yup, that was classic
As an insult to injury, Lex has me believing that everyone is judging me at the very moment and I secretly started to lose my sanity. I instantly plunge into that dark place that Lex calls home, with what might seem like a life sentence of examining my existence for the rest of the day.
With all this anger built up in me, I start to feel like a disgusting worthless human being. I continue to be jumpy and antsy and I cannot concentrate or even do simple tasks. I am drowning in a sea of despair but instead of catering to my needs and trying to diffuse my mental situation, I continued to do one thing that was nearly impossible for somebody in my condition: I continued to give myself to people.
Yup. That’s the life of an Empath. I feel every emotion from others that is coming my way and for some reason, I always felt like it was my duty to help. But, every time I did that I was losing a piece of energy that was reserved for myself.
Until one day I woke up and asked myself one question; “Who am I living my life for?”. You see the obvious response that I could possibly give is, “Me, I’m living my life for me”. But, honestly, that would be a damn lie.
You see abandonment, rejection, and disapproval of others were always some of my biggest fears. I felt like I always had to say the right thing and be this model citizen. If I didn’t then people would judge me and as a result, I would be alone again. This is just something I was never mentally prepared for, especially living with Alexa.
One thing I learned about living with Lex, is that my personal space is my top priority. Think about it like this; I already have a voice in my head that I am in constant battle with. So to repeatedly feel like I have to question someone else’s opinion on me makes it worse. Two is company, three is a crowd. Do you know how frustrating that is to have three different voices in your head? At that point, I am mentally paralyzed of all logical thinking.
I didn’t need the stress so I focused more on me. I stopped being available for people when I realized my time is just as valuable. I severed anything that could possibly be a trigger warning and became protective of my health. Just call me Captain Save-A-Health!
And throughout my metamorphosis, I taught myself something I’ve never done in my entire life; I started to love myself.
The more I started to love myself, the more I wanted to take more time for myself. I stopped waiting for insignificant phone calls and text messages. I became less of an anxious mess. I finally learned how to breathe and be still guys!!!
From now on, I don’t have time for the bullshit! I am living my life for me and I am finally taking care of myself and loving every segment of my spirit. I am going to do the things that make RONIDE happy and I am not apologizing for it. So to all the people I love, please understand that it’s not you, it’s me.
Until next time guys, much love! 😀