You guys voted on the next topic, so here we go. Let’s talk about my experience with body image and self love. Wow, so where do I start? When I think about my journey, after awhile it just becomes a whole clusterfuck , so just bare with me while I take you guys on this ride from the past to the present.
Before I start I’m warning y’all now to get some tissues ready because things are about to get real up in here okay?
Okay, well then let’s begin.
Invisible. That seems to be the word I keep bringing up but honestly that pretty much sums up my life. In middle school I was never considered pretty or attractive. I was never the “IT” girl or the “Okay” girl. I was just “that” girl. That girl that you become friends with so you can talk to her friend. That girl you talk to so you can practice talking to other girls. That girl that you take to 8th grade prom because you lost a bet (yup, that actually happened).
It wasn’t until college that I began to blossom and gain attention. Whether it came from men or women, I was fine with that because for once I was actually being seen. Being seen for my looks and my body meant that it was close to someone actually loving me. You see, that already doesn’t sound logical but the way my childhood trauma was set up, this way of thinking was inevitable.
Fast forward to my current life; as I got older my body didn’t attract the way that it used to. Social media did not make it any better. When I scrolled through Instagram and saw the average model, I was constantly reminded that my stomach isn’t flat anymore, my tits were saggy, and my love handles were all out. It was then that I decided that I was going to go on a diet and exercise. I was going to get my dream body and I was going to start living my best life.
I purchased me a scale, subscribed to fitness channels and prepared myself for dieting. I was super excited! I was ready to go! But the reality is none of that happened. In fact, it was just another traumatic moment that almost cost me my life.
Yup. Shit started to get real y’all! I literally was on and off the scale. My routine consisted of exercising for 15 min, then immediately checking the scale. That’s all I did continuously. Every second my mind was trained to go back on the scale to see if I lost at least one pound. I became overly obsessed with exercising that when I wasnt exercising, I was slowly gaining back the imaginary weight that I had already lost in my mind. Even common sense told me that it was impossible to lose the desired weight in 15 minutes, but Alexa took control of my way to think logically and convinced me that it was possible.
Lex: You are not going to reach your goal just laying around there like the sack of shit that you are.
Me: NO! STOP TELLING ME THAT! I am going to do this and for once I am going to succeed!
But, after another round of exercising , I stepped on that scale and nothing happened. It was humiliating and all of a sudden everyone in my life who has ever laughed at me and ridiculed me in front of me and behind my back were laughing all at once and the laughter was getting louder and louder by the minute! A panic attack was right around the corner and at that moment I just wanted to disappear from this world because no matter how hard I tried with something, I always failed. I just didn’t see what the point was anymore.
Alexa: You disgusting piece of shit! Look at yourself! Do yourself some justice and just kill yourself!
Me: NO! IM NOT! IM GOING TO STAY ALIVE! I HAVE TO!
Alexa: For who? Honey let’s be real with ourselves, do you honestly think people want to see that belly? It’s disgusting, I mean seriously who would love that?
Me: I mean, my boyfriend loves it.
Lex: AHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHHHH MAN GOOD ONE! Do you seriously think he loves that shit? He’s just taking pity on you because you’re a liability. We both know how much of a burden you are! He’s lying to you just like everyone else that is in your life! They are all talking about you right now, laughing and judging you. You see me? I’m as real as they come! I know what’s best for you and I’m only here to help. Let me take you out of your misery, love! It’s time to finally rest.
Dealing with food was a whole different ball game. I started calculating every calorie that entered my body. I drained myself, leading me to deprive my body of basic nutrition.
Lex: Perfect! Soon you will be skinny again and you will actually be worthy enough to look at when you see yourself in the mirror.
Me: yea I know but I’m hungry
Lex: who needs food, soon you will be the next body goals on instagram.
Me: yea, you are right. It’s all for a greater purpose.
But I couldn’t keep up with it for long and eventually gave into the cravings. I binged On food like there was no tomorrow. It felt like a moment of relief, but of course Alexa wasn’t having it.
Lex: All that food you are eating! All those carbs…and is that chocolate? You know you can’t eat that! Do you just love looking disgusting?
Me: OMG I know! I’m sorry! I’m really sorry! I will fix this!
So I ran to the bathroom and forcibly regurgitated and there I was. Sitting by the toilet and crying my eyes out and filled with shame and disappointment. All I could do is just scream in silence and ask God why? Why am I like this? Why do you hate me so much? Am I not worthy and lovable?
I got no answer so I went to the best solution I knew. I cut myself, each cut much deeper than the last one and man did it feel good! It became a release of pain, but in the end it just made things worse.
Lex: Look at what you did! This is exactly why people keep saying that you are too difficult to handle. This is exactly why no one deals with people like you! You attention seeking whore! This is why people keep talking about you! You just love the spotlight don’t you?
At this point I went completely insane. My brain became exhausted, I wasn’t sleeping and Alexa had me wrapped around her finger. I lost touch with reality and more importantly, I lost touch with myself.
It was that point in my life that I decided I was going to take control.
I was going to accept my body instead of waiting on someone else to do it. It didn’t matter how much someone loved me and my body. If I didn’t love myself, what was the point? Whether I was five pounds lighter or five pounds heavier, I was still empty inside because I didn’t believe that I was worthy of being loved. I always thought that living with Alexa made me defective but I had to remind myself that I was still human just like everyone else. Plus, my body was not created for everyone’s entertainment.
I did a Facebook and Instagram friends cleanse. If you watch my Instagram stories y’all know this took me all night! I was exhausted in the end but it was worth it! To all the misogynistic fuck boys from the past who used to make me feel like I was nothing. To body shamers who just loved pointing out when someone didn’t skip a meal, they all could kiss my ass. They were out of sight and out of mind (and man did my mind feel so much better). Plus I was tired of the Love and Hip Hop scenarios constantly coming to life. Y’all my brain was about to explode so I had to let these motherfuckers go. (Sorry not sorry :D)
I redefined the concept of “body goals”. I took full control of what I viewed on social media and created my own safe place. I said adios to accounts that promoted waist trainers, tummy teas and celebrities who didn’t resemble me. I only followed accounts that promoted body positivity, Mental Health, realistic body images, self care and wellness. It was then that I promised myself that I was going to love my body in every state that’s it’s in! My mental health became my top priority.
I moved my scale from the bathroom and do you know where I placed it? In the fucking trash because that’s exactly where it belonged. It was then that I realized that my value did not lie on how much I weighed because because contrary to what social media told me, I was not placed on this earth to lose weight! I am here to do so much more and I had a whole lot to offer than jumping on and off a damn scale okay!
I also said fuck you to the diet culture and had my own special meal plan. It is very exclusive but since I love you guys so much I’ll share it with you.
I ate when I was hungry and I didn’t eat when I wasn’t. Impressive right? I no longer thought of food as a weapon and I finally felt free every time I ate.
Now before I get slammed or corrected for my opinions, this is for the people all the way in the back, so make sure you pay attention. Actually let me wait so you guys can gather yourselves…
Okay, great! I am by no means trying to promote unhealthy living or unhealthy eating habits. Let me clarify myself; for the women who self harms, battles eating disorders, fights against their own insecurities, dealing with postpartum body issues, or even women ashamed of their stretch marks, my message is for YOU. Your body does not define you. You are beautiful and you deserve happiness.
Last week on my Instagram story, I told ya’ll that I was going to the beach and I would be serving ya’ll my looks on the damn platter. When I reached the beach I was extremely scared. I didn’t know what to expect and Alexa made me believe that everyone was going to laugh at me. She made me believe that by the end of the day I would be leaving the beach with a panic attack (You guys know how much I fucking hate going through panic attacks… I mean who does -_-). I also could not bare to be scared with another memory that led to a debilitating ending (like seriously, these days all I want in my life is peace and I am tired of Alexa constantly reminding me of embarrassing events.)
Last time I was at the beach, I only took pictures with people who I felt safe with because I was so embarrassed to face the camera with people around. When it came to clothing, I always stuck to black and hated bathing suits with a passion because they exposed all of the things that I hated about myself. But on beach day, I decided that I was going to do both. I had to remind myself who the fuck I was! I am a beautiful black curvaceous goddess and I did not come to play. My razor bumps, butt marks, self harm scars, unflattened belly and saggy boobs came and slayed on beach day, honey. I gave the strangers at the beach a real show (they didn’t ask for it but they sure needed it). So round of applause for me bitches! Because I came out and showed out and I’ll be back with an encore very soon!
Until next time guys! Love Yall! 😀